Dr. Caron's Response:

As with any relationship, a person must often take risks to move forward. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees that things will work out. However, it is helpful that you have already established a friendship. But before you talk with him about how you're feeling, I suggest you think about how you'll feel if he says he just wants to continue to be friends. Will you be able to continue the friendship? I would guess that if your friendship is important to both of you, you'll be able to work things out. Good luck!

Dr. Caron's Response:

Probably. One year isn't really a long time to still be thinking about your old boyfriend, especially when you haven't established another serious relationship. It's important to look at why you still think about him. Is it the relationship with him that you miss, or just having a relationship? Why did you break up? Often times it can be easier to remember the good times with your boyfriend, while forgetting why the relationship didn't work out. Remember: One of our tasks in life is learning to let go. It's hard.

Dr. Caron's Response:

My general rule of thumb is this: All dreams, feelings, wishes, desires, and fantasies, whether sexual or not, are completely normal. Everyone has probably had sexual dreams that he/she or others might consider unacceptable. Just because you have these dreams does not mean something is wrong with you or your current relationship. As long as you realize your dreams are normal, no matter how outrageous they are, you will not feel uncomfortable about them. You wonder if this particular dream about cheating on your boyfriend is a reflection of your feelings about the relationship? That is doubtful. What you are feeling in your "awake state" is much more relevant to the realities of your day-to-day living. Perhaps you could talk this over with your partner how the dream concerns you and how you really feel about your partner and the relationship. Perhaps some reassurance from your partner will help ease your mind.

It's not unusual for both men and women to have sexual dreams about others. That's not something to feel guilty about. Of greater concern is the sense of conflict that emerges from your letter. If you find over the next month that this dream is really bothering you, I would suggest that you take advantage of the nearest counseling center to talk over this problem to gain insight on yourself. I understand that you are confused and distressed by your sense of disloyalty and I believe you can much profit by talking these matters over with an experienced person.

Dr. Caron's Response:

You know the expression that goes something like: "he wants his cake and to eat it too!" I cannot help but feel that you are in the midst of such a situation. On the one hand, you recognize this person as wonderful, loving, and a good match for you. You even say you want to get married one day. Yet on the other hand, you recognize he is not ready to "settle down" so to speak, that he is not sure about your relationship, and that he has an interest in knowing and being with other women. It is painful to look at. Just your reference to his unfaithfulness in terms of kissing serves as a major flag for me - and for you. I also question the idea that others see you two as "meant for each other" - perhaps this has been true - but for now, it does not seem helpful to know that he "loves you" but needs to be with others..... if he loves you and is sure about that, then WHY would he need to still be looking around? Perhaps your relationship has run its course, served its purpose for both of you while in college - but now that you are a senior, maybe questions are being raised about the future? He just does not sound sure about having a relationship with you or ready to be in such a serious commitment. Perhaps the fact that you are a bit older and wiser makes your views differ in this regard? To be honest though, I must point out that the whole situation sounds sort of sexist... implying that as a male he needs to sow his wild oats... while you wait in the wings hoping.... UUUUGGGHHHH. If it is really so hard on both of you (not just you), it would seem like he would stop wanting to see other women. I do think you need to be honest. I think a relationship is a lot like flying - the airplane moves forward or it lands - it does not stay motionless in the air.... I would strongly suggest you take control of the situation, instead of waiting for him to decide whether or not your relationship is on or off, and let go. You are right in thinking that maybe one day things can work out.... but they may very well not work out. You need to take care of you. It is a painful place to be when you wait for someone else to let you know if your relationship is "a go" or not. I do think sitting down with someone to discuss your situation more completely would be helpful - you need support and someone who can objectively sit and listen to you and offer input. And one last thing: you say you do not want anyone else but him, but have you had time to really look around? And what if he decides in the end he does not want you - where would that leave you? You say other men you have met pale in comparison. Well, I believe that there are many compatible people for us in the world -if we open ourselves up to the opportunity to meet and appreciate others, we have the ability to love many others.... there is not just one person for us to love. There are many. When your heart is ready, you will see what I mean. Best wishes.

Dr. Caron's Response:

There seem to be several unknowns: 1. You don't know how serious her relationship at home is; it could be a childhood sweetheart, or just a close friend. 2. I don't know how serious you are about this relationship. What does this relationship mean to you? Is this a casual dating relationship or someone you see as a potential lifelong partner? Even though you are feeling hurt, it seems to me the place to begin is to sit down and talk to her. Remember: Her roommate may not have all the facts straight. You might say, "I'm feeling hurt. I understand you have a boyfriend at home and I need to know where I stand." There are many questions only she will be able to answer.

Dr. Caron's Response:

I would suggest writing her a letter, rather than calling her. That way she isn't put on the spot or taken by surprise. It gives her the chance to think about what has happened and decide how she wants to respond. Since you say she may be mad, I would suggest including an explanation of why you haven't called (i.e., it was too hard to hear her voice). You might also explain your current interest in re-connecting with her. Is it to rekindle a love relationship, to develop a friendship, or to just check out if she's alive? You don't indicate how long ago you were involved with her. Please be prepared to hear that she may have "moved on". She may not share your feelings. She may even be involved in another relationship. It does sound like you need some type of "closure" - I hope you can find it with your letter. if not, you need to find the strength to do it on your own - or even with the help of someone like a counselor. Sometimes an objective person can offer you the insight and support you need to let go and move on. Good luck!